2024 Regular Season - Week 12
WHO HAS PAID
Commissioner Stalin
The Toll Booth
Coach Rubs
The Kosher Nostra
Boof
The Sneaky Greek
WHO HASN’T PAID
Q
Sloppy Joe
HI-Life Ganja Farmers
The Law Firm
PAY YOUR DUES PEASANTS!!
Week 12 rECAP
HI-Life Ganja Farmers v. Boof - Brock came in knowing a win could solidify his chances to secure a division title, and his team responded with 139 points and a fat L to the rival Ganja Farmers. We actually had bagels on both sides of this matchup, with Quentin Johnson and Isaiah Likely both putting up bagels on MNF against each other to ensure a riveting ending to this matchup. Boof was led by Jonathan Taylor and his 3.5 points while Djavan’s kicker was his third highest scoring player of the week in a mediocre 164 point outing - a Sloppy Joe, if you will - but it still ended up in a big win. Brock’s kicker, Wil Lutz, was actually his highest scoring player. Hence the loss. Boof drops to 6-6 as the Ganja Farmers are 5-7 in a tight East Division that sees four teams all within one game of each other as playoffs approach. Fun fact: None (0) of those teams are above .500 on the season
Sloppy Joe v. The Sneaky Greek - Every game had mediocre scores this week except this one, which featured Sloppy Joe himself facing off against Zack and the Pita Boys. Sloppy Joe put up his highest score of the season with 172 (not a joke), and here he sits just one game out of the division lead with a few games left. It wasn’t enough this week, though, as Team Crete saw Josh Jacobs and Saquon Barkley combined for over 70 points between the two of them as the Greeks put up the highest score of any team this week. They needed it, too, as they are now 6-6 in the yogurt division as Sloppy Joe falls to 5-7 and one game back of the lead - which the Greeks now hold. What a mess
Q v. Coach Rubs - As expected, Logan didn’t set a lineup and essentially guaranteed himself trophy shipping as he handed Q, the next worst team, a free win AND the H2H tiebreaker if he gets lucky as usual. Alas, Coach Rubs couldn’t even break 100 points with his partial lineup and now sits at 2-10 (eliminated), while Q is 4-8 and somehow alive still with a 3% chance of making it to the postseason. Incredible stuff
The Law Firm v. Commissioner Stalin - When you have the opportunity to start Brandon Allen in a huge divisional rivalry game with home field advantage on the line and three weeks left to go in the season, you just gotta take it. The Soviets found out late in the week that Boof Purdy was scared so Brandon ‘the savior’ Allen had to step in against the Law Firm. It went as well as you could expect, producing a solid 8.5 points and leading the rest of the Soviet squad to its lowest score of the entire season in a huge loss. Any, Esq. had a Sloppy Joe and didn’t break any records with a 168 point score, but it was enough to get another win over Mussolini and complete the season sweep to hold what could be a major tiebreaker down the road. Both teams are now 7-5, but the Law Firm is ahead on the H2H tiebreaker due to the sweep of the Soviets for the fourth time in fourteen seasons. The Soviets, meanwhile, have never swept the Firm. Not even once
Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits Game of the Week MMMMM GOOOOD
The Kosher Nostra v. The Toll Booth - The GOTW turned out to be a blowout, as our truest one seed Nikki put up her lowest score of the season with most of her studs on a bye week at a really unfortunate time. Big Mike came in and dropped 210 in a must-win game if he had wanted to secure the division title and a first round bye. Only one player in his entire lineup scored under 6 points, and a universally solid performance from the squeaky curds was more than enough to get a big win. The season series is split between these two squads, and they both now sit at 9-3 as the only two teams who have locked themselves into the postseason so far. Nikki currently has the tiebreaker due to points scored, but that can change by the week. Let’s go
Bold Play of the Week presented by Markal Lumber Crayon
Q started Tyjae Spears for some reason. Granted, he played Logan, who didn’t set a lineup. But still. Tyjae Spears?
Scoop of the Week presented by Tostitos Scoops
The scoop of the week goes to Commissioner Stalin, who picked up Vikings LB Ivan Pace just for him to get injured in the first quarter and put on IR with a bagel next to his name in the starting lineup in a rough Soviet loss. Love to see it
YOU BLEW IT Player of the Week presented by Adam Sandler
Logan set a lineup man come on
.playoff picture
The Toll Booth - The top seed throughout the entire season, Nikki is 9-3 and tied for the best record in the league with Bike Mike with almost 100 points more than her division rival. With a guaranteed win against Coach Rubs in week 14 and a pretty obvious win coming up against the Soviets, she’s essentially a lock to get the top seed and a first round bye in addition to what would be her first ever division title in franchise history. As the only franchise to never win a division - yes, both Henry and Ryan won division titles during their tenures in the Federation - she’s surely going to sit her star quarterbacks down and whip them into submission to ensure victory. She’s already clinched a playoff spot, it’s just a matter of closing out the division
The Kosher Nostra - The Cheese is coming in on an absolute tear, with five 200 point outings in their last 7 games, and won a huge game last week against Nikki to tie up their records at 9-3. He’s still down almost 100 points and will need to make that up, but scoring at this rate he has an actual shot. The Tillamook Kosher Medium Cheddar has two winnable games left against Boof and the Greeks, and has lost only one game since week 4. He’s already clinched playoff position, so it’s just so it’s largely a matter of catching up to Nikki in points if he wants to secure the division title and a first round bye
The Law Firm - Anthony, Esq. comes in at 7-5 and tied with the Soviets, but wins the H2H tiebreaker due to yet another sweep of Stalin (for the fourth time in league history) and hopes to keep it that way. Despite the winning record, the Firm is 7th in points scored on the season and will need to ensure the tiebreaker doesn’t go to three teams, at which point it defaults to points scored over H2H. He got a lucky win over the Soviets last week despite scoring a Sloppy Joe amount of points, and comes into this week averaging just 152 points in the last three games. He faces off with Q in the Anthony Bowl II this week, so it really just depends if Q sets a lineup, and faces a measurably beatable Sloppy Joe next week to give him a good shot at finishing with 9 wins. He’ll hope to score more points in coming weeks to avoid some type of chaotic tiebreaker scenario with yogurt division teams, as our overlords at ESPN give him a 3% chance of still missing out on the playoffs. He’s looking straight at a wild card game, in which the franchise is 0-6 all time
Commissioner Stalin - The Soviets have broken 200 points in 5 of the last 8 weeks, but last week was not one of them as they dropped 138 points in a big loss to the Law Firm in Gravy Bowl II. The two teams are tied at 7-5 and the Soviets currently sit as the 3rd highest scoring team in the league, but got swept by the Law Firm (for the fourth time in league history) so lose the H2H tiebreaker unless one of the yogurt teams can catch up and cause a threeway tiebreaker. The Soviets have to pass through the league leading Toll Booth this week and play a Ganja Farmers team next week that is the fourth highest scoring team in the league despite their 5-7 record, so it’s very possible an 0-2 finish is on the horizon. Stalin will be hoping for their points scored to carry them through, and if they’re lucky they might get a home field wild card game as a 4 seed
The Sneaky Greek - And now we finally have an appearance in the overall standings from a team in the yogurt division, as captain Chobani himself currently leads the division due to having the points scored tiebreaker over Brock by literally 0.2 points. He split the season series with each of Brock, Joe, and Djavan, so that doesn’t matter, and they’re all within one game of each other to close out the season. Zack has a free win over Logan this week because Logan is terrified, but faces 9-3 Mike next week in what is sure to be a fat L so he’ll need some help from the rest of the league. ESPN currently has him at a 77% chance to make the playoffs, and his best bet is to remember to set a lineup this week to beat Logan because Mike is gonna crush him next week
Boof - Brock comes in 1-6 in his last 7 games, and still sits at .500 on the season with a 6-6 record due to a red hot start to open the year. He is, like Zack, also likely going to get crushed by Mike, but he plays him this week so he’ll be under .500 for the first time on the season probably. He plays Q next week, but Q still has an alleged 3% chance of making the playoffs despite being 4-8 and not in the yogurt division and that surely relies on Q beating Brock in week 14, so that’s probably what’s going to happen, but we will see. Brock has not scored 180 points since week 8, and really needs to get it together if he wants to not let the division slip away from him. Especially to Zack, who has been consistently starting Will Levis at quarterback. Boofin’ it
HI-Life Ganja Farmers - Djavan may be 5-7, but is currently the highest scoring team in the yogurt division and given a 40% chance to make the playoffs by ESPN. He plays Sloppy Joe this week - who he lost to back in week 4 - and needs to really just score 170 to get that sixth win. A game with the Soviets awaits next week, but he hasn’t lost to them since 2018 so that should go fine. There’s a real chance Djavan ends the season at .500 with a 7-7 record, and he’s hoping the chips fall his way to have both Brock and Zack lose at least one of the next two games to force a tiebreaker. He split the season series with both Zack and Brock so it’ll come down to points for which favors the Ganja Farmers. They play Sloppy Joe this week for what should be an easy win to set themselves up nicely for a playoff run to sneak into a wild card spot or potentially even the division title. He lost to Joe last time but there’s no way he loses again… right?
Sloppy Joe - We really don’t know how he does it. Joe is the lowest scoring team in the league (yes, he actually does have less points than Logan) but sits at 5-7 and just one game back of the division lead with two weeks to go. We know what he’s going to do - he’s gonna score something in the 160’s, literally every single week - but the real question is, can you outscore him? Our best scientists and Ivy League minds available have spent countless hours and angel investment dollars attempting to figure out the phenomena that causes him to win. We know what you’re thinking when we talk about Joe’s scores. Nobody scores points against him, right? Wrong. Joe has the 4th most points against him on the season. Yeah, go check it out. It’s absurd. When he loses, he gets absolutely smoked. He’s lost by scores of 50, 60, 70, and 90, yes that is real, but he got all 5 of his wins with less than 170 points scored. He plays Djavan and Anthony in the next two weeks, both of which are winnable games, and this is the Cowboys Suck League baby. Anything can happen
Q - Oh you want anything can happen? Here’s Q, and his 3% chance of making the playoffs according to ESPN. Queue is 4-8, hell yeah, you read that right, and comes in with 2 wins in his last 3 games and that loss featuring a 199 point outing by Q himself in a tough L to the Soviets. The Commissioner’s Office re-allocated the funds being used to unsuccessfully investigate the Sloppy Joe Meat Sweats that have plagued the league every year since 2015 to looking into what that 3% chance could possibly be, and WE THINK WE HAVE IT!
HERE IS THE 3% WAY THAT Q MAKES THE PLAYOFFS:
Note: Literally ALL of these things need to happen in order for Q to make it. lol
Q wins his two remaining games, this week against Anthony and next week against Brock
Brock also loses his game this week against Mike, which he is currently projected to lose by double digits
Zack (6-6) loses both of his remaining games: Mike next week (likely), but also Logan this week. Logan needs to set a lineup. @Logan
He needs both Joe and Djavan to lose at least one of their next two games. Joe plays Anthony next week and Djavan plays Stalin, but here’s the best part: they play each other this week.
This tie is going to be amazing, especially considering Djavan is involved
If all of those things happen, that leaves Q, Zack, Brock, and potentially Sloppy Joe and/or Djavan all at 6-6.
At that point, the East Division title would be decided by a tiebreaker of points scored since everyone split the season series with each other anyway. The team with the most points would win the East Division, and Djavan, Zack, and Brock are all within 40 points of each other with two weeks left to go.
That would mean that there is one spot left in the playoffs, the final wild card seed, #6. At that point, if there are three people left at 6-6 once the East Division is decided (aka if Sloppy Joe and Djavan don’t tie this week, as if one of them wins they will have 6 wins) Q will need to catch up in points scored to everyone he’s facing in this absurd scenario, as he has the 2nd lowest points scored of the group outside of lowest points scored Sloppy Joe. It’s not impossible, he’s just 185 points away from Djavan, the 4th highest scoring team in the league and the highest scoring team in the group, but anything can happen. This is Cowboys Suck. If all of that stuff above happens and Q ends up with more points than the other 6-6 teams after week 14, he’s the 6 seed.
3%
Coach Rubs - DAWG we’re eliminated dawg. We blew it. 2-10 dawg. That’s ma bayd. I’ll pay trophy shippin’. Aw shit hwhat, it might have to go to London? Gadammit. Hwhat the hell Booth
Week 13 PREVIEW
The Kosher Nostra v. Boof - Mike is coming off of a big win against Nikki and riding a huge scoring streak dating back many weeks, and Brock comes in here 1-6 in his last 7 and ready to go. He let the division title slip away and is now tied at 6-6 with Zack, and a tough team faces him on the opposite side of the field here in 9-3 Mike. It’s projected to be close, believe it or not, and Brock needs to get this win if he wants a first round bye. Both Lions RBs and Amon-Ra featured in this game, but Brock was terrified and benched Sam LaPorta and his 14 points at tight end. That being the difference maker and allowing Q to sneak into the 6 seed as he loses the division to Djavan or Zack or god forbid 10th in scoring Sloppy Joe is really gonna sting
The Toll Booth v. Commissioner Stalin - In what should be a high scoring battle this week, the Toll Booth and the Soviets face off for the second time this season after a 209-204 game back in week 4 was won by Commissioner Stalin. Nikki is first in points scored and Stalin is third, so it’s likely going to be a painful loss for one of these teams. The Soviets only had Jared Goff play on Turkey Day with his riveting 16 points so it’s hard to gauge how badly they’ll collapse this week, and Nikki’s team is pretty much hoping that Josh Allen, Burrow, Justin Jefferson, and Kamara can combine for 100 like they usually do. Look to the Soviets to lose despite scoring 210
Q v. The Law Firm - Anthony Bowl II here after the Law Firm won leg one back in week five, and Q as I’m sure you read above is fighting for his absolute life here in an actually winnable game. The Law Firm is 7th most in points scored on the year with less than 100 more than Queue, so it’s possible, and Q is actually projected to lose by only 10 before kickoff in what would be the best run probably in league history if Q can pull this off. Queue gets Isaiah Pacheco back for the first time in months, and it’s likely he’ll go off to give Q the win as the Firm collapses
The Sneaky Greek v. Coach Rubs - Will Logan set a lineup? Doubt it. Zack looking to get an easy win and secure the lead of the yogurt division
Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits Game of the Week MMMMM GOOOOD
Sloppy Joe v. HI-Life Ganja Farmers - On the surface, there’s no way this is the GOTW with two games to go in the season between two 5-7 teams, but both of these guys are somehow just one game back of the division lead and in two very different positions. Joe is the lowest scoring team by far, Djavan is the fourth highest. Joe beat Djavan in week 4, and another win would secure the H2H tiebreaker over the Ganja Farmers and get him somehow closer to a playoff spot. Of course, Joe had both Caleb Williams and DJ Moore and their 45 combined points on the first game of Thanksgiving en route to a massive lead and a projected win. Can’t make this stuff up