2025 Regular Season - Week 3
WHO HAS PAID
Commissioner Stalin
Boof
The Sneaky Greek
The Kosher Nostra
WHO HASN’T PAID
Q
Sloppy Joe
HI-Life Ganja Farmers
The Law Firm
The Toll Booth
Coach Rubs
PAY YOUR DUES PEASANTS!!
Week 3 Recap
The Toll Booth v. Coach Rubs - Logan’s team is so bad, man. Dislocates his shoulders to pick Patty Homes and Justin Sherbert for a combined 27 points? Are you serious? Tyrone Tracy? Who is that??? Nikki got a 20 point game from Courtland Sutton and solid performances from Baker and Lamar, but leaving stud TE Hunter Henry and his 25 points on the bench isn’t what you’re looking for. Either way, when you play Logan, you’re fine anyway since he can’t read and his team is so bad, man. TWO (2) Chicago Bear WRs?? Are you joking?? Logan’s obviously 1-2 and Nikki moves to 2-1 after the easy W
Q. v. Commissioner Stalin - The collapse of the Soviet Union continued as Stalin put up a really solid 158 points in a third straight L to open the season, this time to Q who could only muster up 165 points of his own. At least he shipped the trophy? The Soviets had to see an L coming, with their top scorers being Jordan Mason and Danny Dimes, but the real hero here was none other than Eugene Smith. Q’s boy Geno dropped 25.5 to lead the matchup in scoring for an individual player, and the Soviets would have won if they had played Quinshon Judkins (Brown) over first round pick Ashtony Jeanty. Love to see it. Q advances to 2-1 on the year while Stalin is our only remaining 0-3 franchise
The Sneaky Greek v. Sloppy Joe - Sloppy Joe came back down to earth in week 3, settling back into his median scoreline and taking an L to a really terrible Greek team because of it. AutoJoe couldn’t even get 20 points combined from his two QBs in an awful loss, but at least he set a full lineup and we can’ t be too greedy here in week 3. Zack probably launched a TV off his balcony after his own TJ Watt led him to victory with a 2 sack/fumble recovery performance, but there’s no way it lasts with how bad his roster looks. AutoJoe falls to 1-2 as Zack somehow moves to a lucky 2-1 with his team focused on being ‘athletic’
The Kosher Nostra v. The Law Firm - Yo, Ant! The Law Firm didn’t even show up to court this week, which is incredibly sketchy considering who their opponent was
So you mean to tell me CeeDee Lamb ‘conveniently’ was hurt instantly, with 0 points, after starting the game totally fine? Yeah? Mike? Alright. The Law Firm falls to a totally inconspicuous and not sketchy 1-2 while Mike definitely not shadily at all moves to 2-1
Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits Game of the Week MMMMM GOOOOD
Boof v. HI-Life Ganja Farmers - The Ganja Farmers remained perfect on the season in a tight battle against division rival Boof, who was rocking a wild lineup featuring Caleb Williams and Marcus Mariota as his two quarterbacks. Djavan managed to put up 185 points despite QB Michael Penix scoring a solid 2.9 points at the highest scoring position, largely behind South Jersey native Jonathan Taylor dropping 31 for the somehow 3-0 Colts. Brock’s random QB’s combined for almost 50 points in a valiant effort, but when you are relying on Caleb Williams and a backup to get you a win you can only ask for so much. Classic Boof. Djavan remains undefeated at 3-0 while Brock drops to 1-2 in a great start his title defense
Bold Play of the Week presented by Markal Lumber Crayon
The Sneaky Greek takes the Bold Play Award for this week in a tight win against Sloppy Joe that featured Mac Jones at QB, who put up a solid 12.9 in the victory. Zack also had Carson Wentz on his bench, so he’s in a good position at QB moving forward
Scoop of the Week presented by Tostitos Scoops
Week 3’s Scoop Award goes to Nikki for picking up Chiefs K Harrison Butker, who ended up contributing 10 points in a win over Coach Rubs. This might not seem like a notable scoop, but Nikki already had Bucs K Chase “Annie” McLaughlin on her roster, and she didn’t even drop him for Butker. Nikki rolled into week 3 with 2 kickers on the roster, and walked out with a win. So English
YOU BLEW IT Player of the Week presented by Adam Sandler
The Soviets as a whole get this award for yet another brutal showing and losing by single digits yet again. To quote league counsel during the draft: “You sure know a lot of stats just to finish 3rd every year”
.Week 4 preview
The Toll Booth v. The Kosher Nostra - Two of the three 2-1 teams in a tight North Divisional race face off here with Nikki and Mike, who are projected to literally tie as of the Ireland game. We are so due for a tie, man. Big Mike (noted Eagles fan) is hoping his boys Jalen and Saquon can put up solid numbers against the Bucs this week, with Baker Mayfield himself lining up across the field for Team England and the Brit Bois.
Nikki STARTED AN INJURED GUY AT THE FLEX POSITION FOR A GAME ON HER OWN FUCKING CONTINENT ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Commissioner Stalin v. The Law Firm - The Gravy Bowl is historically one of the best rivalries in the league, but this year the Italians might be the two worst teams in the league. They are 9th and 10th in points scored, and a combined 1-5 on the year, and the matchup features absolute workhorses such as Danny Dimes, Drake Maye, and Quinshon “DV” Judkins, so buckle up baby. The Soviets got mediocre but not awful showings on TNF while the Law Firm was busy with tort liability, but it’s projected to be close. Look for yet another single digit Soviet loss here in week 4
HI-Life Ganja Farmers v. Sloppy Joe - The only undefeated team squares off against the Average Joes, so Djavan essentially just needs to score 175 and he’ll get the win. Joe is actually projected for over 200 points this week, and usually when he goes off he loses, so either way let’s load up a buffering W for the Ganja Farmers here early on. AutoJoe’s roster is so obviously autopicked, with his entire offense revolving around the Rams and 49ers as he is rocking Stafford, Kyren Williams, Puka, Purdy, and CMC in his starting lineup. Djavan, meanwhile, is undefeated with Kenny Gainwell and Justin Fields in his starting lineup. This league rules
Q v. Boof - The battle of ‘when will Q ship the trophy’ takes place here at a great time, as the trophy just arrived in NorCal yesterday - hooray! Boof is the highest scoring team in the league through 3 weeks but he sits at just 1-2 and one game away from being locked in the basement with the Soviets. It’s insane that Brock has the highest scoring team when you look at his roster, built around noted studs Marcus Mariota, Chuba Hubbard, and Tre Tucker, but all that matters is those points baby. He’s projected to win by double digits, likely because Q has an injured Tank Bigsby in his roster still, but he’s got 2 hours and some change to figure it out. We’ll see if he hands Brock an easy dub as an apology for hoarding the trophy
Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits Game of the Week MMMMM GOOOOD
The Sneaky Greek v. Coach Rubs - Here we go. Arguably the best rivalry in the Cowboys Suck Fantasy Football League. Call it what you want, the Lauʻniu Luau, the Benchwarmer Beatdown, the Rectal Rumble, this is sure to be a good one. Zack is starting Carson Wentz at quarterback in a must-win rivalry game, which is exactly how you do it, but Logan is starting Nick Bosa who is -checks notes- out for the entire season. He also has Tyrone Tracy in the flex, who is also out this week. Keep in mind last year Logan would have made the playoffs if he simply tried literally at all, as we noted week-to-week in the League Manifestos throughout the season. Are we headed right for that again here in week 4? He loves paying trophy shipping. Logan’s team is so bad, man. An injured guy? Good call. Another injured guy? Hell yeah. Tyler Warren? Literally who is that, man. And Zack? At least he’s trying, but is he? Carson Wentz? You already have a terrible team. Jaylen Waddle? Give me a break. I hope you guys tie. Never forget the legendary exchange between Logan and Zack
