2025 Regular Season - Week 5
WHO HAS PAID
Commissioner Stalin
Boof
The Sneaky Greek
The Kosher Nostra
WHO HASN’T PAID
Q
Sloppy Joe
HI-Life Ganja Farmers
The Law Firm
The Toll Booth
Coach Rubs
PAY YOUR DUES PEASANTS!!
Week 5 Recap
Commissioner Stalin v. The Toll Booth - Another week, another terrible showing by the Soviets. When your highest scoring player is your kicker, you know it’s gonna be a bad time. That’s exactly what happened this week with Stalin, as Ka'imi Fairbairn led the team in scoring in another loss by single digit points. Nikki didn’t put up a good showing either, scoring just 170 points on the week mostly behind decent games from Tua and Baker. Stalin can’t seem to manage the QB room well, not starting Danny Dimes in the early part of the season and now leaving Trevor the Moai on the bench with his 25 points which would’ve won the game. At least Nikki set a lineup? Stalin is 0-5 (lol) and Nikki is now 3-2 after the easy win
The Kosher Nostra v. The Sneaky Greek - The curds were absolutely not squeaky this weekend and they weren’t even fried either. Mike had a 23 point game from JSN, but it wasn’t enough to carry his absolute buns squad led by Cooper Rush and his 1 point. Mike dropped a really reliable 137 points in a big game against the Sneaky Greek, who wasn’t phased with another big game fueled by…Javonte Williams? Even better is that Zack’s starting TE, Taysom Hill, scored -0.1 points. That’s just fantastic. He also STARTED SOMEONE ON A BYE WHAT THE FUCK ZACK Mike is now 3-2 and Zack is 4-1 do better
Sloppy Joe v. Boof - AutoJoe has put up some big weeks already this year, deviating from his normal 165-175 range, and he has another victory in week 5 to show for it. Even more impressive in this 199 point victory was the fact that he started Brock Purdy at QB, who didn’t play at all this week since he was hurt. Either way, Joe almost broke 200 with massive games from all of his LA Rams as well as CMC. Brock also put up a solid week with 192 points behind Stefon Diggs and Deebo, but it wasn’t enough to outlast AutoJoe’s offense in a rough loss to continue a brutal championship hangover season. Brock drops to 1-4 while Sloppy Joe sits at 3-2
Coach Rubs v. HI-Life Ganja Farmers - Logan, yet again, didn’t set a lineup. What is he doing man. So bad. Djavan actually tried and almost hit the 200 point plateau with Jonathan Taylor and Justin Fields leading the way, but it didn’t matter since Logan’s team is so bad and he doesn’t set lineups. Can’t even read. Ha. Coach Rubs is 1-4 and DJ is 4-1
Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits Game of the Week MMMMM GOOOOD
The Law Firm v. Q - Anthony Bowl I of 2025 was a great matchup that came down to just 1.2 points, with west coast Anthony coming out on top in a 191.1-189.9 battle. Ja’Marr Chase somehow put up 29 points with Jake Browning at QB and Kareem Hunt scored twice to fuel Q to a victory, while the Law Firm had big games from Dak Prescott and Emeka Egbuka in a brutally tough L to name rival Q. The Law Firm had a bunch of points sitting on the bench in the form of Sammy Darnold, CJ Stroud, and JCM aka Bill, but he doesn’t understand IDP so he left them on the bench like a clown. It’s a tale of two Anthony’s here as Q advances to 4-1 on the season, while Giordano & Sons, Esq. falls to 2-3
Bold Play of the Week presented by Markal Lumber Crayon
Week 5 Bold Play Award for 2025 goes to Sloppy Joe for starting Brock Purdy, who didn’t play due to injury. Joe still won a tight battle and almost dropped 200 points.
Scoop of the Week presented by Tostitos Scoops
The Sneaky Greek wins the Scoop of the Week award for week 6 with his genius pickup of Taysom Hill, who actually lost him one tenth of a point in a meaningless win. Zack’s team is so bad man
YOU BLEW IT Player of the Week presented by Adam Sandler
The entire Soviet team wins this award yet again. All of them are getting sent to the gulag
.Week 6 preview
HI-Life Ganja Farmers v. The Law Firm - Djavan comes in leading the East Division and hoping to continue the run against the Law Firm, coming off a tough L to Q in the first round of Anthony Bowl 2025. Anthony’s Eagles played like absolute ass on Thursday Night PenisBall, and he’s projected to lose another brutally close game here according to the overlord projection models. At least it isn’t a stat correction, amirite??
Boof v. The Toll Booth - Boof has to be feeling good after getting 21 points out of Dallas Gogurt in the TE spot on TNF Bezos Ball sponsored by AIDS, but this is projected to be a high flying matchup either way. Nikki is projected to drop 190 and lose, which she deserves after her lucky win last week against the Soviets, but whatever man. Brock is rolling out Tre Tucker and Caleb Williams, and is projected to hit 200. This league isn’t even real. Let’s go
Coach Rubs v. Commissioner Stalin - Logan hasn’t set a lineup in weeks, but obviously had Cam Skattebo starting in the flex spot during the week he played 0-5 Stalin when Skattebo drops 30 points on the Eagles defense. Logan currently has one guy on IR, one guy on a bye, and one completely empty spot in his starting lineup, and is still only projected to lose by 18. Incredible stuff from the Soviets. Revolution incoming
Sloppy Joe v. The Kosher Nostra - Mike’s team didn’t even show up to the game last week, and it’s looking like they might not show up again with two empty spots on his starting roster late on Saturday night. Mike has no clue what is happening, the curds stopped squeaking, and he knows he didn’t fry them up, so what could have possibly happened? Why didn’t he do anything with them? Does he even have them?!?!? WHERE ARE THE CURDS
Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits Game of the Week MMMMM GOOOOD
The Sneaky Greek v. Q - An absolute battle here of 4-1 teams with Sketchy Zack and Sneaky Q facing off for the only time this season. It’s projected to be a 3 point battle, with the Greeks currently having the Vegas advantage before kickoff. Rumor has it that Q fined his kicker Jake Elliott $1 million for only putting up 6 points on TNF in this critical matchup, but the real crime here is his having left Wan’Dale Robinson and his 17.4 points on the bench while 105 year old Keenan Allen is sitting there in his starting lineup. Unbelievable. And this is our Game of the Week? Give me a break