2026 Regular Season - Week 1
MONEY AND PAYOUTS
Buy in is still $200, so we’ve got $2,000 in prize money. As usual:
Champion - $1,800
Runner Up - $200 minus the cost of the nameplate for the champion
Last Place in Regular Season - PAYS TROPHY SHIPPING
PAY YOUR DUES PEASANTS!!
Well peasants, this is not your faithful commissioner, Sal. This is the 3 time champion, tied for most championships in the league, fellow peasant, Mike. I’m filling in for Sal for the time being on writing these. If anyone wants to join or help, please feel free. I’m sure none of you will. Anyway, we are back for the 16th season of the greatest fantasy league on Earth! 16 seasons of the Cowboys Suck Fantasy Football League. Crazy. I haven’t been here for all 16 seasons, but I have been here for 12? 13? Something like that. I truly love being a part of this league and having a good reason to keep up with everybody. I will do my best to honor that by writing a halfway decent league note even though I’m sure it won’t be nearly as good as Salvy’s are. With that being said, let’s get into it motherfuckers.
SORRY THAT’S IN ALL CAPS AND BOLD. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING YET. PROCEED.
ESPN Power Rankings on Draft Day:
Sloppy Joe
The Kosher Nostra
Mooseknuckle
Rich NaNnon
Power of the Pussy
Magicman and El Deablo
Hi-Life Ganja Farmers
Soviet Union
ELEFTHERIOS the Conquerer
Cooper DePeen
No notable changes since draft day except for me plummeting from 2 to 7 after just 2 games have been played sooo that’s good.
I feel like Sal usually has more clever or interesting stuff to say before getting into game previews, but this is Temu Sal here so we’re just gonna get right on into these. Deal with it.
Game Previews:
Power of the Pussy vs. Hi-Life Ganja Farmers
Djavan is currently projected to win by about 21 points here. He already got a couple solid performances out of Brock Purdy and a LB named Ernest Jones IV apparently. Nikki had a couple guys get some fair to middling scores except for future Hall of Famer and former player on God’s favorite team, Davante Adams, who shit the bed with 4.1 points. I think this one will end up being close with Djavan eking out a small margin victory here due to a bevy of breakout candidates on the ganja farm.
Official Unofficial Temu Commissioner Prediction:
Djavan 179.4 - Nikki 175.7
Sloppy Joe vs. Rich NaNnon
First off gotta say, typing out your team name is annoying, Brock. Secondly, Joe, the Bears still suck. We got a real close one on our hands here folks with Rich projected to beat Sloppy by a mere 4 points. Brock has a little lead after JSN showed up big time on Wednesday. How can you not when you got Drew Lock(ed in) at QB right? Fred Warner came through as usual for the Hammond Bears fan, Joe. He also had a DB put up zero so there’s that. God the Bears really suck. Irrelevant? No, always relevant. We’ll see how this one shakes out, but I think Brock wins big here. Ya know why? Say it with me now. The Bears still suck.
Official Unofficial Temu Commissioner Prediction:
Brock 168.5 - Joe 150.4
Soviet Union vs. Cooper DePeen
Just a couple of degos dookin it out here. Sal starts out with single digits from all of his participants in this week’s games so far including the singlest of all digits, a zero. I guess a 1 would really be the singlest of all digits, but I digress. That zero was from former Browns monster, Myles Garrett. Yikes. Jalen Hurts lover and the other South Jersey native in this bout, Ant, came out swinging with a rock solid 4.1 from A.J. Brown before he got a boo boo and landed on IR. That will be his best score for at least the next 4 weeks. Geez this is a tough one to call with all these pathetic scores so far. Despite Marshawn Lloyd surely getting 20 plus points, I’m gonna give this one to the offish commish.
Official Unofficial Temu Commissioner Prediction:
Sal 162.5 - Ant 157.8
Mooseknuckle vs. ELEFTHERIOS the Conquerer
A classic battle here. Zack vs. Logan. Dumb vs. Dumber. Jk sorry Zack. Logan, I said what I said. Eleftherios is conquering nothing as of yet with an absolutely pathetic 3.9 points from good ol Matty boy Stafford. On the other side, the oil tycoon is predicted to dominate although I’m not sure why with the likes of Jaxson Dart, Kyle Pitts, and David Montgomery leading the way. I think it might be closer than expected, but I’m still gonna go with what ESPN thinks. Probably a mistake. Texas wins this one.
Official Unofficial Temu Commissioner Prediction:
Logan 186.2 - Zack 175.6
Magicman and El Deablo vs. The Kosher Nostra
Both of the 3 time champs face off in what looks to be setting up for a nice win for Q. Some guy named Quentin Lake got 17 points for him already while some guys named Christian fucking McCaffrey and Puka fucking Nacua combined for only 5 points more than that. Off to a great start for ya boy. We will see if Q double drafting at Ojos Locos (where we have yet to confirm if any actual females work) will be a sound strategy or not. Side note, Q has 3 players on his team whose names start with the letter Q. Interesting. One of the three Q’s has already paid off with 17 points. We will see if the Q strategy will be sound or not as well. So many strategies at play. Anyway, Q will win and I will lose.
Official Unofficial Temu Commissioner Prediction:
Q 192.2 - Mike 178.5
That’ll do it for this week my fellow peasants. I realize I didn’t do the Popeyes game of the week but this is what you get. Also, I’m sure most of you haven’t paid (I know I haven’t), so pay your dues peasants!