2026 Regular Season - Week 2
PAY YOUR DUES PEASANTS!!
Week 1 recap
Power of the Pussy vs. Hi-Life Ganja Farmers
The ganja farmers squeeked by with a dub here. Led by the finger nail painter and breakout candidate, Caleb Williams, with a big 36.5 points. Bijan also did Bijan things so that helped. Nikki and the Pussycats would probably have won this game if Bo Nix didn’t play like shit. Oh yea and if she had actually swapped in a linebacker who was playing football last Sunday! Come on Booth.
Temu Commish Prediction: 1-0
Sloppy Joe vs. Rich NaNnon
I don’t wanna talk about the Bears putting up 59 points. Anyway, Chicago Joe won decisively in this one. Big games from Josh Allen and his 3 RBs led the way. Richard NaNnon’s team flopped pretty hard. Particularly with Kyler Murray putting up a nice negative number before exiting the game. I crunched the numbers and historically, negative points do not help you win unfortunately.
Temu Commish Prediction: 1-1
Soviet Union vs. Cooper DePeen
The South Jersey showdown ended with Ant as the victor. His boy Jalen Hurts came through as usual. Swift, McBride, and his favorite IDP players helped buoy him to the win as well. Salvy had a couple nice performances from Justin Jefferson, Zay, and future hall of famer, Tyler Shough. He however got no love from Loveland or any of his IDPers. Defense wins championships, that’s what Mr. Giordano always says.
Temu Commish Prediction: 1-2
Mooseknuckle vs. ELEFTHERIOS the Conquerer
Battis absolutely dominated Logan here. I mean wow, Logan’s team is assss. Who would’ve guessed it when you have Carnell Tate (I think that’s his name) as one of your starters? You know it’s bad when Jaxson Dart and David Montgomery are your bright spots. Zack’s team actually had pretty mediocre performances across the board, but his running backs got him across the finish line with 2 of them scoring over 30.
Temu Commish Prediction: 1-3
Magicman and El Deablo vs. The Kosher Nostra
Q’s team would’ve beaten everyone else last week, but unfortunately for him, he ran into the freight train known as The Kosher Nostra. 4th championship for myself coming this year? We’ll see. You’re all scared, and you should be. Now I’ve probably jinxed myself but oh well. Q. Lake was the only one of the 3 Q’s that really had a noteworthy game. He had good scores across the board from most of his guys, but again, it wasn’t quite enough. Pewaukee’s own, TJ Watt, helped me out here with a big 22 points.
Temu Commish Prediction: 1-4 (I suck at predicting apparently)
Bold Play of the Week presented by Markal Lumber Crayon
Tough call in Week 1 since we basically don’t know anything yet, but the Bold Play of the Week goes to Sal for starting Tyler Shough over Sam Darnold. Not like Darnold is anything special, but he did just win the Super Bowl. Shough got a nice 22.8, while Darnold got hurt and had zero. Did Sal predict the injury? We’ll never know. It still wasn’t enough for him to get the W, but it was a nice move.
Scoop of the Week presented by Tostitos Scoops
No one picked up anyone good. I guess I will give the Scoop of the Week to myself for Michael Mayer? Starting him turned out to be the wrong decision and didn’t do anything to help me, but I won so fuck it.
YOU BLEW IT Player of the Week presented by Adam Sandler
Nikki wins the YOU BLEW IT Player of the Week by starting Cedric Gray who was out with a concussion. She only lost by 5.5 points, so she clearly would have won if she had literally any LB in there.
.Week 2 preview
Cooper DePeen vs. The Kosher Nostra
Both of us had some nice games from our guys on Thursday night to start out. We know Jalen Hurts will have a monster game, but damn, how many Eagles does this guy have on his team? I thought he was a Raiders fan. Who knows at this point. They do play the Titans, so all 28 Eagles Ant has will probably go off. Will it be enough to stop the resident Rabbi? I doubt it. Not on the cusp of Yom Kippur. This win was promised to my people 3,000 years ago.
Official Unoffical Temu Commissioner Prediction:
Mike 201.3 - Ant 195.6
Soviet Union vs. Sloppy Joe
Joseph is predicted to dominate against Salvatore. By a lot. It’s really surprising as Sal has absolute studs, Caleb Douglas and Xavier Worthy starting for the Soviets. I’m writing this late, so Jayden Reed is already done for the game which doesn’t help the case for Joe, but we will see. The huge game from Josh Allen on Thursday is definitely helping him. I think Sloppy Joe is gonna get to 2-0 here.
Official Unofficial Temu Commissioner Prediction:
Joe 190.2 - Sal 165.7
Hi-Life Ganja Farmers vs. Mooseknuckle
This one is predicted to be very close. Again, I’m writing this late so Saquon is banged up with does not help the gingers. But also again, Logan has Carnell Tate (I think he plays for the Titans) starting so it doesn’t really matter. Continuing with tradition, I will state that Logan’s team is so bad man. I mean Aaron Jones in the year 2026? Perennial disappointment Kyle Pitts? De’von Achane on one of the league’s worst offenses? Yikes. Not good. The DJ wins this matchup.
Official Unofficial Temu Commissioner Prediction:
Djavan 170.5 - Logan 160.8
Power of the Pussy vs. Magicman and El Deablo
I think this one will be close. All of Nikki’s players seem to be playing this week so we’re off to a good start. Q had a big time performance from Amon-Ra on TNF. Both squads are projected to put up some pretty big numbers. I like this one to be a shootout, but I think ultimately Q comes out ahead. Viva la Raza.
Official Unofficial Temu Commissioner Prediction:
Q 198.8 - Nikki 189.9
Rich NaNnon vs. ELEFTHERIOS the Conquerer
Another close one according to the good folks at ESPN, albeit lower scoring. Gibbs came through big time for Battis and the ageless Derrick Henry already has a touchdown. However, he also got a nice -0.1 from DJ Moore on Thursday sooo yea. For Brock, I think Jayden Daniels will have a nice game against the Cowboys cuz ya know they suck. I expect some solid performances from his main guys across the board as well. Battis is projected to win, but as Brock saw last week, it’s hard to win when you get a negative score. Brock wins in an ugly one.
Official Unofficial Temu Commissioner Prediction:
Brock 170.2 - Zack 164.6
Good luck everybody. Pay your dues and shit.