2026 Regular Season - Week 9
PAY YOUR DUES PEASANTS!!
WHO HAS PAID
ZACK
WHO HAS NOT PAID
THE REST OF YOU!!!
Week 8 recap
Mooseknuckle vs. Cooper DePeen - As expected, Logan didn’t set a lineup and had a completely open spot at DB in addition to getting two - count ‘em, TWO - bagels from wide receivers. That’s right, both Tre Tucker and Tez Johnson put up solid zeroes in a pair of really solid performances. Malik Willis wasn’t much better at QB as Logan struggled to a 134 point outing, and a very expected outcome against a searing hot Law Firm that was coming off of a massive 220 point game to give AutoJoe his first loss back in week seven. Anthony then one-upped himself this week with an even bigger score, getting a ridiculous 32 points out of T Higgins, three more twenty point outings, and double digit scores put up by every single player on his offense. That usually means easy victory as it is, but he also got double digit points scattered throughout his defense, and kicker Matt Gay dropped a dime as well to give the Law Firm a weekly high score of the season at an absurd 246 points. We will have to check the historical database to see where this outing ranks among the all time weeks in league history, but either way Anthony, Esq. rips off his 3rd win in a row to move to 5-3 as Coach Rubs falls back to earth after his mini win streak and is now 2-6
HI-Life Ganja Farmers vs. Magicman and El Deablo - Djavan did set his lineup this week in a big attempt to get back in the win column after a 5-game skid, which is more we can say about his opponent, Q, who started Chase Young at DL on a bye week. In a week filled with penisball throughout the communist empire, this was easily the worst game of the week with neither team able to break 155 points in total. Q, the guy who didn’t start a full lineup, somehow came out on top, with Matthew Golden and kicker Tyler Bass leading the way with the two highest scores of the week. In equally absurd fashion, Djavan’s best players were his linebackers that combined for 28 of the team’s total 134.7 points, which is just under 21% of the squads entire output this week. That is a recipe for success if I have ever seen one. Alas, this one did come down to the best quarterback battle we’ve seen in a while. Danny Dimes and Diddles Watson combined for an overwhelming 15.9 points (like together, not one of them) for Q, which was somehow enough to defeat the 14.5 points on the Ganja Farmer QB side as Baker Mayfield went 0/3 on passing attempts (you read that correctly) in an absolute monsoon in Tampa, putting up a really solid 1.4 points on the week. Q is now 5-3 as Djavan drops to 2-6, losing six in a row now after a hot 2-0 start to the year
ELEFTHERIOS the Conquerer vs. Power of the Pussy - Nikki truly had a performance for the ages here, with four (4) guys that were injured in her starting lineup and subsequently losing Lamar Jackson to a thumb injury on the literal first play from scrimmage to add a fifth bagel to the mix. I’m not sure if there’s a special name for five bagels, I’ll defer to Mike on that one, but this is something we have never seen before in this communist paradise. We know the Toll Booth has been shut down often this season, with Brexit greatly affecting the team’s ability to function in this international league, and it appears Nikki has taken a severe approach and sent half her team to the gulag to punish them for the winless start to the season. Her opponent, the Greeks, even had a bagel of their own out of kicker Will Reichard, who actually did play he just blew it on his only field goal attempt to cancel out his only extra point attempt, but there was enough pita to go around as Zack was able to field a full squad and get a lollipop win despite only putting up 171 points. Zack is feeling good after getting back into the win column and is now 3-5 and very alive in the playoff race, while Nikki is off to arguably the worst start in league history and sits at 0-8, but somehow still with a 1% chance of making it to the postseason. We’ll get to that later.
Rich NaNnon vs. Soviet Union - Double digit scores from his entire offense sans Omarion Hampton saw Brock put up the second highest score of the week to defeat Stalin’s waiver wire filled roster. In addition to big twenty point outings from JSN and Bhayshul Tuten, obviously, Brock also got 28 points out of his LBs and big games from Harold Fannin and Malik Washington on offense, because who else? On the other side of the ball, the Soviets saw Zay Flowers put up a bagel after losing his starting QB Lamar Jackson on the literal first play from scrimmage and then subsequently losing his backup Snoop Huntley shortly afterwards, meaning some guy named Joe Fagnano stepped in under center and couldn’t find Flowers even a single time. When Braelon Allen leads your team in scoring, you know you’re in for a rough week, and that’s exactly what the Soviets got in a tough loss. Brock is now 6-2 and tied for first place in the East with AutoJoe, while Stalin falls to 3-5 and is battling for a wild card spot with the basement dwellers
Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits Game of the Week MMMMM GOOOOD
Sloppy Joe vs. The Kosher Nostra - The Game of the Week didn’t disappoint, with it being both the highest scoring and the closest game of the week between our two division leaders. AutoJoe came into this one at 6-1 and fresh off his first loss of the year, while Meyer ‘Mike’ Lansky came in at 7-0 and leading the league. What we got was a high scoring battle that somehow included three bagels (two of which came from offensive players) as well as one guy scoring negative points. Sloppy Joe got a ridiculous 65 points from his QBs alone as Josh Allen and Joe Burrow both went off this week, but Mike got 45 of his own from Patty Homes and Jordan Love to keep pace. More consistent points on the offensive side of the ball saw Mike put up 195 points, with Puka and Brock Bowers both putting up good performances, while Joe tried to keep pace there with 21 points each out of NFC South RBs Bucky Irving and Chuba Hubbard. This game even saw two DBs put up 14 and 15 points on opposite sides of the ball and 26 points coming from Mike’s linebackers to add to the high scoring game. The real story here, though, as I’m sure Mike is excited about, is the bagels. Both of these teams nearly hit the 200 point plateau, but somehow both of these teams also had a bagel on offense. Mike got a zero from WR Omar Cooper Jr., who didn’t have a single target the week after b2b 100-yard games, while Joe got a 0 from Jake Ferguson, who failed to catch a single pass for the second week in a row. Mike tried to one-up Joe even here, with his punter Ryan Rehkow of the Bengals averaging 39 yards on his two punts and scoring another bagel for the Kosher Nostra, but Joe was having NONE of it. Joe decided to take matters into his own hands and show Mike that he could be better at this too, as kicker Jason Myers rolled up on MNF to miss both a field goal and an extra point to score a total of -1 on the week. Incredible stuff here from the Game of the Week, and we’d like to thank Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits for the ongoing sponsorship. AutoJoe is now 6-2 after losing his second in a row and is tied with Brock for first in the East, while the Kosher Nostra all but solidified the top spot in the league with a perfect 8-0 record and a two game lead on anyone else
Bold Play of the Week presented by Markal Lumber Crayon
The Bold Play award goes to Logan, who started both Tre Tucker and Tez Johnson in his starting lineup at WR - both of whom scored zero (0) points. Why?
Scoop of the Week presented by Tostitos Scoops
The Week 8 Bold Play Award goes to Q for scooping up Bills kicker Tyler Bass, who proceeded to drop 16 points - the 2nd highest score of the week for Q’s entire team - in a low scoring, tight victory over the Ganja Farmers
YOU BLEW IT Player of the Week presented by Adam Sandler
This one is obvious. Nikki, four guys that are out? What are we doing?
.PLAYOFF RACE Purge!
Well peasants, we are almost there. Over halfway done the season and we are getting ready to look towards playoffs. Somehow, every team is still alive despite what the standings look like. We’ll dive into details as the weeks go on, but for now we will focus on the GREAT PURGE! Only 6 teams can make the playoffs, meaning 4 of our glorious republics will not be able to participate in the final rounds of communist harvest. We have a divided league this season, with half of the league at 5-3 or better and other half two games back at 3-5 or worse. That means only one of the five struggling republics will be able to participate in the final harvest, with the other four republics are the ones who will likely sent packing for the winter begin preparations for the Spring Revolution.
Remember, everyone is still alive, but there is not just a record disparity but a points disparity as well - the five 3-5 or worse teams are also the five lowest scoring teams on the season. Anything can happen, and one of the current top five teams can easily slip in the standings and miss out on the final harvest, but with how bad these five lower republics have been so far, that seems unlikely. Four of these five struggling republics are within a game of each other, sitting at 3-5 or 2-6. One team, however, is far below the rest - but somehow still alive despite all odds and beliefs.
We will begin our final harvest analysis of 2026 by focusing on our most eastern republic, the Toll Booth.
The Toll booth: How the hell is she still alive??
How is there still 1% possibility? This is something the league premier’s office has spent significant time and resources investigating over the last week, and we believe we finally have an answer. Currently sitting at 0-8, potentially the worst start in league history, Nikki is apparently still alive for the playoffs with six weeks remaining on the season. You may be asking yourself, how can this possibly happen? How can she still be mathematically alive at 1%, after the absurdly bad start she’s had?? That can’t be right. Is this league real? What is going on!?
There’s a pretty obvious start to this - Nikki has to pretty much win out. We’ll go week by week, with what will need to happen for her to stay alive. We’re not 100% on this math, but it’s the best we have so enjoy it. One step at a time, analyzing what each team needs to do for Nikki to advance. She’s not actually dead last in points scored, so she does still have that going for her. Thinking through it logically, with half the league (5 teams) being 5-3 or better aka 5 games ahead of Nikki who is 0-8 with only 6 games remaining in the season, it’s got to be impossible for her to somehow jump up to the five seed as that would require an unreal slide from one of the top five scoring teams. So for here, we’ll focus on what needs to happen for Nikki to secure the 6-seed. Let’s get into it.
Week 9: This is obvious, Nikki has to win. She plays Brock, who is 6-2 so that doesn’t matter outside of her win. Sticking with the 6-seed focus, Mike vs. Q is irrelevant since they are top five teams. That means Nikki needs two top five teams to beat two bottom five teams - Anthony to beat Stalin and Joe to beat Logan - to help her out. The final game is 3-5 Zack vs. 2-6 Djavan, so logic says we probably want parity in this bottom half. So Nikki probably needs Djavan to beat Zack to keep it close down in the basement. If these outcomes happen - Nikki wins, Anthony wins, Joe wins, Djavan wins, which is not too far fetched if Djavan sets a lineup - her odds should increase pretty significantly from 1%
Records of bottom five if this holds up: Stalin, Djavan, Zack at 3-6; Logan at 2-7; Nikki at 1-8
Week 10: Sticking with Nikki needing to win and matchups between top 5 teams not mattering, week ten would need Nikki to beat Q, with Brock vs. Joe and Mike vs. Anthony not relevant to her. So in addition to her own win, she needs Logan to beat Zack to keep parity, and then the other game would be two 3-6 teams in Djavan and Stalin. The better outcome for Nikki is if Stalin wins, we’ll get to that in a second, but no matter what happens between DJ and Stalin she is still alive as long as the other results happen. We’ll say Stalin wins since Djavan hasn’t even been setting lineups, and Stalin has a tougher end to the season so is likely to lose later, which benefits Nikki.
Records of bottom five if this holds up: Stalin at 4-6; Djavan, Logan, and Zack at 3-7; Nikki at 2-8
Week 11: Somehow it’s already close. Nikki plays Anthony week eleven so she needs a win here, with the only irrelevant game on the slate being Q vs. Joe. She needs Zack to lose to Brock (likely) and Stalin to lose to Mike (also likely), meaning the only rubber match here is Logan vs. Djavan, both of whom have 3 wins in this scenario. Both teams are awful, and this will likely be a speed bump in the road as we will see later, but the main thing here is the other matchups happening. We’ll say Djavan wins here to keep things interesting for later…
Records of bottom five if this holds up: Stalin and Djavan at 4-7; Logan, Nikki, and Zack at 3-8
Week 12: Huge week here with Nikki finally playing a bottom five team, so she needs a win against Stalin, with the only irrelevant game this week being the Anthony Bowl of Q vs. the Law Firm. Other games are straightforward - Mike needs to beat Logan, Joe needs to beat Zack, Brock needs to beat Djavan.
Records of bottom five if this holds up: Nikki, Stalin, and Djavan at 4-8; Logan and Zack at 3-9
Week 13: Tough matchup here with Nikki playing Mike. Elsewhere is straightforward, though - she needs Anthony over Zack, Brock over Logan, Joe over Djavan, and Q over Stalin. All likely to happen. Even if she loses here she might somehow be okay, so we’ll be realistic and give her the L to the best team in the league
Records of bottom five if this holds up: Nikki, Stalin, and Djavan at 4-9; Logan and Zack at 3-10
Week 14: Final week. Last chance. A very winnable game against Djavan for Nikki, with one irrelevant game between Brock and Anthony. Other games, again, are straightforward: she needs Joe over Stalin, Q over Logan, and Mike over Zack. All of which - again - are somehow likely to happen. Her and Djavan are both at 4 wins here in this scenario, so she comes into the final week with an unbelievable win and get in scenario after an 0-8 start to the season.
Records of bottom five if this holds up: Nikki at 5-9; Stalin, and Djavan at 4-10; Logan and Zack at 3-11
There you have it peasants. Truly, truly incredible stuff - even if she loses, and there is some flexibility in what happens in weeks ten and eleven, as long as expected results hold, Nikki not only is still alive, but it’s not that insane that she truly does make the playoffs after an 0-8 start. It’s obviously insanely unlikely (again, 1% likelihood according to the ESPN overlords themselves), but that’s why this is the greatest league in the world. Everyone is still alive, even when they’re not.
LONG LIVE THE PEASANT HARVEST!
Week 9 preview
ELEFTHERIOS the Conquerer vs. HI-Life Ganja Farmers - It’s only Thursday, but Djavan still has 4 empty slots in his lineup and a guy on the IR who is hanging out on the bench and not in the IR slot so that’s a good start. Zack is currently projected to win by 60 - which surely has something to do with the gaps in the Ganja Farmers roster but still, there’s no way those four guys equate to 60 points. If Djavan sets a roster, look for this game to get competitive, but that could be a big ask based on how the season has gone thus far. Zack’s team is ancient - Stafford, Derrick Henry, Deebo, Kelce - but they look primed to get a win against a half-baked Ganja Farmers team this week
The Kosher Nostra vs. Magicman and El Deablo - A great matchup here between North Division rivals that would be the GOTW if it wasn’t for the one percent run Nikki is on, we have Mike and Q facing off in what might be the last chance for someone to dethrone the Kosher Nostra from yet another division crown. Mike comes in already with a three game lead on the division, and b2b games against the Anthonys coming up to hold off the only two people that he can even see in the rearview mirror of his Honda Odyssey. Mike won the first matchup way back in week one with both teams putting up serious points, and both teams are at full strength this week so it should be a good one. If Mike was going to lose a game this season, one of these games against the Anthonys could very well be it
Cooper DePeen vs. Soviet Union - Gravy Bowl II of the 2026 season is here with the Law Firm holding the 1-0 edge after a week one victory and looking to win again here against a struggling Soviet squad. Injuries and bye weeks are abound on both sides in this matchup, so get ready for a real barn burner here that likely won’t see any team break 180 points despite the heater the Law Firm has been on recently. This will likely be a typical Serie A game, with both teams taking it easy and parking the bus while they drink espresso outside of the stadium before pretending to care in stoppage time, going down in the box when someone comes within six feet, and drawing a penalty to close out the game. Law Firm with a late MNF win because James Cook has 3 touchdowns
Mooseknuckle vs. Sloppy Joe - This game is essentially a formality, with Logan’s team being awful even when he does set lineups, but anything can happen I suppose. Joe’s already got a full roster auto loaded in, and he’s projected for a score in the mid 180’s - which Logan has hit just a single time this season, when he scored 185 way back in week 4. The two bye weeks and literally completely empty spot in the lineup definitely don’t help Logan at the moment, but it is still early and he has time to get it together however unlikely that may be. Look for AutoJoe to walk out with an easy win this week against a brutally awful oil patch squad
Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits Game of the Week MMMMM GOOOOD
Power of the Pussy vs. Rich NaNnon - After that deep dive, how was this not gonna be the Game of the Week?? This would be the most epic comeback in league history if Nikki pulled this off, so she’s locked into the GOTW until she loses (maybe this week). A tough matchup stands in her way with mounds of Broccoli Rabe blocking the Toll Booth, but Brock’s team is inflated on value with minimal chance that guys like Malik Washington and Bhayshul Tuten can continue producing. This is gonna sting for Brock when he loses a close battle because Broncos QB Big Dix Bo Nix absolutely goes off and drops a 40 burger on the Panthers to keep Nikki alive and the dream scenario ongoing. Let’s go