2026 Regular Season - Week 5
PAY YOUR DUES PEASANTS!!
Who has paid:
Zack
Who has NOT paid:
THE REST OF YOU
Week 4 recap
The Kosher Nostra vs. ELEFTHERIOS the Conquerer - A massive game from Kenneth Walker kept the cheese rolling this week to go along with a massive 15 point kicker game from Kaʻimi Fairbarin to give Mike his fourth victory in a row. Zack has put up points, but is having a rough go to start the season as he continues to play high scoring teams on a weekly basis. Mike moves to 4-0 and remains undefeated as he drops Zack to 1-3
Soviet Union vs. Power of the Pussy - For the first time this season, both of these teams decided to show up and participate. One of them even scored a decent amount! The Soviets walked away with their first victory of the year in 2026 behind big performances from first round pick Drake Maye (finally) and Nico Collins. Nikki quickly realized that Jordan Addison and TreyVeon Henderson were not the answer as she falls to 0-4, while the Soviets are now 1-3 and battling to avoid the basement
Mooseknuckle vs. Rich NaNnon - Logan also decided to try this week, but alas he falls short yet again as he faced off against Boof, who somehow got 60 combined points from Kyren Williams and…Kyle Monangai? Alright. Regardless, this matchup featured Bhayshul Tuten vs. Emmanuel Wilson, and we gotta give Logie credit here because Wilson tore it up. Sadly, it wasn’t enough as Logan remains winless at 0-4 while Brock moves to 3-1 with the victory
Magicman and El Deablo vs. Cooper DePeen - Anthony Bowl 2026 Round 1 saw Q roll in with legitimately every single offensive player on his starting roster score in double digits, a pace that the Law Firm just could not keep up with. AGJD, ESQ had a decent week himself, putting up 175 points, but he couldn’t handle Quinshon Judkins and Isaiah Llikely as he gets routed in the first of two games in this series. The Law Firm is now 2-2 while Q moves to 3-1
Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits Game of the Week MMMMM GOOOOD
Sloppy Joe vs. HI-Life Ganja Farmers - As we predicted in the late last week commissioner note, the GOTW was a divisional battle between an undefeated defending champion and a 2-1 perennial contender. The sneaky fact that Djavan was just 7th in overall scoring came out this week, though, as Rashod Bateman and Jakobi Meyers just couldn’t get it done in a rough defeat. Sloppy Joe keeps it rolling and moves to 4-0 as Djavan falls to 2-2
Bold Play of the Week presented by Markal Lumber Crayon
Boof wins the Week 5 Bold Play Award for Kyle Monangai rolling out in the flex spot with 27.5 points. He doesn’t even start for his own actual team. Incredible stuff
Scoop of the Week presented by Tostitos Scoops
Somehow, Logan wins this week’s Scoop Award for Emmanuel Wilson, who yes was obvious but still tore it up. Logan lost anyway
YOU BLEW IT Player of the Week presented by Adam Sandler
Djavan’s entire offense wins this week’s You Blew It Award, with brutal showings all around in a week where all the other teams - yes, even the basement dwellers - put up numbers. Djavan lost
.Week 5 preview
Power of the Pussy vs. The Kosher Nostra - Mike appears to love the Chiefs, which stinks for him since they’re on a bye this week, but he’s also playing 0-4 Nikki. She has no byes and a sneaky decent team, and Mike honestly could be on upset alert here if Jonathan Taylor is expected to light up the Steelers’ terrible defense like we all expect him to. Mike might be the highest scoring the team, but Nikki comes in with a team featuring fossilized Davante Adams and Chris ‘Kaho’ Olave that could very well pull this off (she won’t)
Soviet Union vs. Magicman and El Deablo - The script is so obvious here. The Soviets are feeling good, coming off their first victory of the season, and who do they face? A team that starts BOTH Quinshon Judkins AND Diddles Watson? Come on man. The Soviets are gonna take an L to the Browns and it is gonna sting
Sloppy Joe vs. Mooseknuckle - HA! Logan’s team is so bad man. The Cam Ward-Carnell Tate stack is so good. Why are you rostering Shedeur Sanders? He can’t even start on his own team. HA
HI-Life Ganja Farmers vs. ELEFTHERIOS the Conquerer - Zack has had a rough go of late, with a few weeks of getting crushed with late touchdowns to take tough losses, and he’s hoping to bounce back here against Djavan, who is coming off putting up a brutal score in a week where everyone put up points but him. Zack’s luck isn’t improving here, with Bryce Young and Kelce on a bye as Djavan has -checks notes- zero people on a bye this week. Look for this to be a controversial stat correction tie
Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits Game of the Week MMMMM GOOOOD
Cooper DePeen vs. Rich NaNnon - Our only game this week that isn’t completely awful features the only game where we don’t have someone with a losing record in it. The Battle of Taunton Trace takes place between 2-2 Any, Esq. and 3-1 Brock, with both teams coming in close in scoring as well as record so it could be a tight one. Despite not being in the same division, these two actually got paired together in the random inter-divisional matchup to close the year so getting a head start in the season series could be big. Look for Brock to blow it with Rashee Rice on a bye